Locker room

Do you have a locker room screamer at your gym? Do you know who I mean? He always comes in yelling something to someone just outside. Something along the lines of “OH YEAH BABY! OH YEAH! THAT’S MY TICKET TO PARADISE, MAN! I’M ON IT!”

He then looks around the relatively quiet locker room, with men changing into or out of their gym gear. He searches for his victim.

“HEY FRED! HEY MUCHACHO! COMO ESTA! HEY FRED,REMEMBER MAN…. CORN STALKS!! YEAH BABY FRED …CORN STALKS! YOU KNOW MAN? YOU KNOW?”

Every nonsensical non sequiter he bleats has to be yelled as if he’s on an airport runway, right beside a revving 767.

“HEY ERNESTO! MI AMIGO! GONNA WORK THOSE GUNS, MAN?  GONNA WORK THEM GUNS TODAY?  MAN I BEEN HERE SINCE SIX THIS MORNING AND MAN I’M SO TOTALLY RIPPED.  GOOD GOD, I’M TIRED! WHEW MAN!  GONNA GO…YA KNOW WHAT I’M GONNA DO? …I’M GONNA GO AND TAKE A NAP IS WHAT I’M GONNA DO!!   YES SIR MUCHACHO IT’S SIESTA TIME FOR THE BIG GUY!”

Do you know what I’m talking about? Have you experienced this man? He’s totally unaware of his surroundings, of the fact that he’s jangling everyones nerves. Even the men he’s talking at. He’s in a bubble. Totally clueless. Had he been born without that silver spoon up his ass, George Bush would most probably have been a locker room screamer. Really.

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