Tales of the Street Fair


Oh I have some good stories from Sunset Junction. I really do.

So “J” and I met for breakfast on Saturday Morning at this place on Fountain called SQUARE ONE.  It’s a cool little patio restaurant in Hollywod, right next to the Scientology world-domination ground zero headquarters.

SUNSET JUNCTION is the intersection of the great Los Angeles thoroughfares of Hollywood Blvd, Sunset Blvd and Santa Monica Blvd in Silverlake. Every August, the local villages of silverlake, Los Feliz and East Hollywood hold a street fair, and It’s gotten bigger and bigger over the years. Now, It’s a major LA event, and It’s a LOT of fun.

We spent the afternoon buying cool, expensive and unnecessary stuff at the fair, and really had a good time together. “J” is a really nice guy, and I noticed that he got cruised a lot wherever we went. We fooled around in the Eagle for a while, getting photographed as we made out. So there are pics of us getting nasty out there somewhere I guess. Then we split up as he had longstanding concert plans. So after 5, I was on my own.

I went to my car to drop off my camera and stuff around sundown, and when I returned to the fair area, there were fire engines and ambulances all clustered around the entrance, near the main stage. Some black woman was being given a respirator and she was on a guerney. I figured a heart attack or something. I found out later that it was Deniece Williams and she’d fallen off the stage. Poor thing. I wonder if they still paid her?

I went over to the Eagle and hung out. Witnessed two guys in the bathroom giving each other blowjobs as a middle aged woman was trying to pee on the toilet behind them*. I heard from one of the barbacks that he’d just broken up a lesbian couple in there. One was seated on the toilet and her girl was down there on her knees, munching away. He said that when he broke them up and told them to leave, the muncher said that she was just looking for something. Uh huh.

By then , the bar was packed and a long line had formed outside.  By sundown, there were thousands of people right in front of the Eagle. The main stage was there, and Morris Day and the Time were about to go on. So not only was there was a long line to get in, but people also had to be prevented from passing through the side alley, as that’s where the beer truck was. So I decided to help out in crowd control. I’m big and mean looking, so I serve well as a bouncer.

Man, but people can be dumb.

Arright, it’s obvious..O B V I O U S that there was a line from the entrance to get into the bar. Clueless people were constantly blundering thru the barracade, lurching for the entrance. I’d stop them, many of them physically, and they’d invariably say something like ‘oh I just want to go in for a drink, that’s all’

“Well that’s what all these people in line want to do, too. So you’ll just have to wait like them’

Like you’re the only fucking person at the fair, right?

Then, some little twinkie got his knickers all twisted because he was tired of waiting in line. So he tried to rush me. Didn’t work out well for him so much. He was 5’6 110lbs and i’m 5’10 255lbs.

So he says he’s sick of waiting and he wants me to just let him go in. Yeah, Rightee- o captain! So of course I said no, and he said ‘Let me in NOW or I’m gonna bat that pipe right outta your mouth’  Reflexively the crowd stood back a bit.’Try it and it’s the last thing you’ll ever do.” I said, thinking to myself that I’m doing this, and not even being PAID or anything, and this fuckwad’s giving me shit.

Oh then …then the best one came up. Hunter had this toothless wino who he was kicking out of the bar for harassing people. He was yelling saying that he was gonna sue everyone because his wallet got lifted. He kept pushing back towards the entrance and I kept pushing him back over the barracade. ‘I’m gonna sue your ass and the owner’s ass and the fair’s ass!’ he bellowed.

‘Fine’ I said. ‘Just do it on the other side of the barracade’

He stumbled back into me. I shoved him back.

‘I’M CALLIN 911 ON YOU’ He screamed. ‘Your azz izzz mine, man!’    Yeah whatever, I thought.

So he CALLS 911 and actually gets a 911 operator on the phone. He’s screaming at her and says to me “what’s your name?’ ‘Rich” I reply. ‘Capital ARR EYE SEE AICH’

More screaming, then ‘You’re busted pal! She wantsa talk to you!’

So I took the phone.

911 operator: ‘Sir what’s the problem there? Why are you harrassing this man?’

Me: ‘I’m working crowd control at Sunset Junction in compliance with the fire marshall, and your complainant is disrupting this area. Do you need further information from ME?’

911 operator: (pause) ‘Have a good night, Sir.’

So I gave the moron his phone and he went away. Probably back to his office in the California Republican headquarters in Irvine.

here are some more pics, in case you’re too lazy to click to my flickr photopage. the two guys smoking my pipe were hot men I got to kiss me by letting them smoke the pipe, and kissing the smoke to me.

* oh all right- I’ll admit it! *I* was the one who was blowing the guy in the bathroom.


4 responses to “Tales of the Street Fair

  1. “Probably back to his office in the California Republican headquarters in Irvine.”

    But didn’t you describe him as a “toothless wino”?

    Doesn’t sound like a Republican to me.

  2. You’re right. I was thinking more of the mouth breather conservatives who voted for Bush. “Deliverance” style

  3. there are plenty of drunks in the republican party dubya being one of them

  4. Bj’s in bathrooms? I think I’m rubbing off on you!

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