The Bible tells me so

So with all the bullshit flying around right now with all of the nazi troglodyte repuglicans falling all over each other trying to out-jeebus each other, I thought it might be advisable to print this handy question sheet that I found online.

After all, batshit crazy candidates like Mike Huckaboob proudly profess to believe EVERY WORD of the book of fairy tales otherwise called “The Bible”

OkeeDokee Mikey..you follow Biblical rules? Then you’d better be prepared to follow all of them.

Here’s your handy dandy debate question sheet for the next reason-forsaken repuglican “debate”: 

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put death, should I do it or should I ask the police to do it?

5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Aren’t there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there a little wiggle room there?

7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

2 responses to “The Bible tells me so

  1. The scary thing about huckabee is that he has supported the idea of quarantines for HIV positive people. He’s another one of the Jesus hating conservatives that refuse to quote what Jesus has said about lgbt people. Its amazing how the conservative agenda depends on playing down Jesus’ role in the bible. Pretty soon he will be no more than a corporate logo the GOP politicoreligiomegamaximart. Yo quiero MaxiMart!

  2. Did you get a chance to see the Documentary? I saw it a few weeks back and it was GREAT!

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