“REQUIEM FOR IL DOUCHEBAG”
a play in one scene by ….Me
The scene: A fancy restaurant somewhere in D.C.
THE CURTAIN RISES on a LONE MAN sitting hunched over in a chair at a table in the restaurant. He is nervously chittering his nails away as he waits for THE WAITER to approach his table. The rising house lights reveal the man to be RUDY GIULIANI
Good evening, Sir. Might I reccomend for you tonight our special New York steak?
On 9/11, America faced its most deadly peril in history, buddy!
True enough indeed, Sir! Excellent observation, might I say, Sir?
Now, are you ready to order, Sir?
( a beat )
Perhaps you’d like the Filet Mignon, Sir? A most excellent steak, indeed.
On 9/11 the stakes were plenty high! You bet your froggy ass they
were, pal! On 9/11, I responded to WORLD CATACLYSM in a
timely manner, I did! 9/11! 9/11! N I N E E L E V E N Mr. French fry!!!
Sir, are you well? Would you care to use the Men’s room, Perchance?
RUDY (STEAM RISING)
MEN’S ROOM? MEN’S ROOM? Pal, on 9/11, I went 74
freaking hours without using the Goddamned men’s room!
Hell, I didn’t even use the fuckin’ TOILET!
I’m telephoning the Police. You’re a lunatic.
(FOAMING AT THE MOUTH, LISPING AND SPITTING LIKE THE MAD FUCK HE IS)
On 9/11, I was a decisive leader! A ruler of mankind, a supreme
commander of men’s DESTINIES!!! Damn you! DAMN YOU!!
DAMN YOU! 9/11!!!9/11!!! 9/11!!!!
(The cops come in and drag his crazy ass off stage. )