You know, one of the things about living in Hollywoodland I’ll never get used to is the out of the blue random famous encounters that pop at you when you least expect them.
Saturday, I had two in a row.
I went to Orchard Supply on Saturday because my mop bucket needed replacing because the bitch who lives next door to me borrowed it when her kitchen sink leaked and the cow moved out last week and left me sans bucket. So I got the new bucket and was just perusing the indoor potted plant section when there all of a sudden, in the middle of the plant fertilizers and potting soil is none other than Larry King. He looks about 132 1/2 offscreen and about 5 foot zero. He was with a 30ish obvious ‘mo assistant or whatever, and he was tottering about, fondling bags of lawn seed like they were Lindsay Lohan’s tits. Why do old farts always stare? Believe me, I was not staring at him. I DO NOT do the celebrity stare thing. If I make eye contact, I’ll nod acknowlegement (except sometimes) and move on. As I was searching for the miracle grow, I noticed in the corner of my eye that King was staring. Maybe my fly was down. Maybe my head had a lump in the back, or had some residual cum from the Friday night guy. Don’t know, but the old fart kept staring till I walked away. Frank Gorshin did that, too. And the old coot from “The Shining” ..the ghost bartender in the overlook hotel, remember that creepy guy? He was creepier in real life.
So then it was so nice on Saturday (80 degrees) that I decided to go to Venice to hang at the beach for a bit. I stopped off at the Santa Monica Best Buy (where I was kinda expecting a celebusighting, as I always see somesuch someone there).
I was perusing the DVD’S looking for a copy of the just released “12 Angry Men” (excellent movie) when this old ‘mo comes sauntering into view. I glanced at him, noting his seeming gayness and instinctively I checked him out and noticed something familiar about him.
Oh God. Mark Hamill.
Luke Skywalker himself.
OK I admit it. I stared a bit. For Chrissake it’s a boyhood hero and sex fantasy suddenly right there in front of me reading the back of a “CSI season 3” box. Lord almighty.
So I make eye contact and smile and he smiles that “oh god not another Star Wars troll” smile and I put my index finger to my lips and smiled and mouthed “Not a word. Promise” He laughed and I walked on.
In the next aisle, as I found my flick, he rounded the corner and, like the Star Wars troll that I am, damnit, I said”I just gotta ask you ONE question..when you all were making that first film in 1976, could you all have ever imagined then what this all would become?Thirty years later and it’s practically a religion. He smiled genuinely and said ( a bit girly, actually) “No!!! In fact we never thought it would amount to anything! We had Peter Cushing and Alec Guiness and thought they would bring some audience, but until we saw the first effects shots, we had no idea what we really had. At least I didnt”. I ended by thanking him for some of the best movie memories he had and he asked my name.
Nobody else walking around noticed him. Same as when I met Spielberg.
Then, he followed me home and we had mad sex and the next morning he made me a delicious Omlette.
I made up that last bit.