So today as I was walking back to my car after my workout, I thought to myself “Wow, in less than 10 minutes flat, I’ve managed to make an ass of myself in front of the only two gay men that work out at Gold’s in North Hollywood! And all in only 10 minutes!!. Isn’t that neat?   🙂  supercool!!!”

You see, there’s this man I’ve been in crush over for 2 years now whom i’ve never had the courage to know…TALK to. Well anyway, today, after surrepetitiously watching his perfectness as he went about his workout, I “happened” to go into the locker room as he was changing back into his street clothes. We’d both tacitly confirmed each other’s ‘mo status long ago as one time I was talking to my friend Gene, who briefly worked out there, and mr. Dreamy came up to talk to Gene about some homo matter like the Folsom Street Fair or something, and I made a pithy remark about cockrings and harnesses or whatnot, so it was… you know…established. 

Anyway, I screwed up my courage, and as we were both at our lockers, I intended to say something erudite such as “Well it seems we have a victory at last today, what with the supreme court ruling and all allowing us our due rights and freedoms bla bla bla.”   What actually blurted out of my dyskexic mouth was something uberdumb like “Well I think this going to be great for us all now we can be married. …. to guys and all”

s i l e n c e

Finally, 100,000 years later, he quietly said, politely, as if addressing a dangerous crackwhore on a street corner “Well let’s just hope it doesn’t get overturned. I’m afraid it will” Not content with only one foot in my gob, I had to pitch in and shove the other one in, just to keep them both company.”Well I think it’ll go through all right, because Schwartzenegger won’t back the protest” I incredulously heard my voice saying whilst thinking to myself “what the FUCK? That’s utter phony bullshit” I then went into this weird, totally incoherent blab about the voters unconstitutional ENDA law and the supreme court finding it unconstitutional and there not being anything to overturn because this is their first ruling and what the fuck am I saying? I felt that I was being totally incomprehesible. He smiled and said ( sweetly, I thought ) “That’s totally incomprehensible” That gave me sufficient impetus to rush my ass out of there before I could do any more harm, like vomit on him or something.. I said “Good night” and he said “don’t rush off and get married, now”

What I did do was rush right into the smiling, godlike, Brad Pitt lookalike face of infatuation man # 1, whom I’ve been desperately in lust with since before Lindsay Lohan snorted her first line. He smiled conspiritorially at me and gestured for me to come over. He nodded in the direction of this hot little straight cub and said ‘Isnt he hot, man” I’m gunning for him” I said “Has he given you the look yet?” Mr Pitt said “Not yet, but he’s prey that I intend to catch before I’m done tonight” I thought “man, he only thinks of me as Thelma Ritter, as an old frumpy confidant that he can impress with his prowess. I’m sexless, and therefore neutral and safe to him. I wanted to go grab the hot cub he was hunting and say” goddamn you APPRECIATE THIS!!!! But what I did do was act stupid and “nice”, which is to say phoney, beacause I always don this phoney, nice, affable harmless persona. I said ” oh you’ll get him, you’re too handsome to fail.”


I know.

I’m a moron.

Just then, to punctuate my foolish awkwardness, I dropped my gym bag all over the place and wordlessly gathered it all up, as he watched, and I left the building.

God, If I didn’t have to be me, I’d never have anything to do with me.



8 responses to “gymoron

  1. Oh buddy, its sounds like you were having one of those days! doh! if I had have been in his position I would have turned around to you and said ” ok !cut the crap hot man and take me home with you! I fancy you like mad and I wanna spend a week in bed with you and then get married” He should have jumped all over you!!!! It is his lost sexy rich! What was really weird is that I was reading your post while there was a commercial break on during the movie “jezebel” which starred none other than “Thelma Ritter” and you mentioned her name in this post. I keep telling you we are sooooooooo destined to meet!

  2. RE: Your “love marriage” post! The man that gets the very lucky title of being your b/f will be one lucky fella. And you will make him the best husband there could possibly be. He is out there and he will find you. And I hope he loves you in the way you deserve to be loved because you are one of the nicest, sexiest, handsomest, friendliest, sensitive, loving guys I have ever had the good fortune of becoming friends with. I will be keeping an eye on him to make sure he treats you well or Ill hit him with my crotch! *oh Matron* I meant to say crutch!! *blush*

  3. I’m here via Joe.My.God., because your comment on the Marry The Bear thread made me have a sad.

    This post did too.

    So! Unsolicited, I will offer you perspective…

    You sound like me 6 years ago. After the trauma of coming out and the whole family chaos that erupted, all I wanted was to find love and a little peace and quiet.

    I did, eventually, but it was a hard road getting there and I had to put a lot of effort in. There were a lot of times I wanted to pack it in and be a hermit or a crazy cat collector. I went on 30 horrendous dates in a row! An ex-Marine with a doll collection! A drunk! A guy who tucked his napkin into his shirt collar! GAH!

    I offer the following counsel:
    1) Be your best self. This starts with liking both the you that you see in the mirror and the you who is innately lovable.
    2) Don’t give up. The more people you meet, the more likely it is you’ll find the right guy.
    3) Step out of your comfort zone, and do things you don’t ordinarily do, like take a cooking class, go for a walk after dinner, or to club you don’t ordinarily frequent.
    4) Identify your standards of what you want in a mate and do not compromise on any of the important ones.
    5) Treat all dates like a potential new friend – even if he’s not the one for you, he may have a brother/cousin/friend who might be the one for you. Courtesy reaps tremendous dividends.
    6) Surround yourself with upbeat, positive, supportive friends (like the guy who commented before me). They will help keep you moving in the right direction.

    I know that advice out of nowhere seems intrusive, and I apologize for that. It’s just that what you wrote was so exactly my thoughts before I met Mike… I had to offer you some hope.

    FWIW – I met Mike in an AOL gay cop chatroom, of all horrible places. Our 5 year anniversary was this past March 17. Good luck and be well.

  4. Actually, you’re pretty suave compared to me. I don’t even bother to talk to guys I’m hot for anymore. Plus I work out at the community centre, where there are no gay guys.

    My thing is I go a little over the top with the praise, which creeps people out big time.

  5. you have way too much fun to be pulling this “woe is me I’m so lonely crap” from your wild vegas adventure to getting the hottest musclebear at the bar , you always manage to have more fun than most people I know. The only thing stopping you is YOU. Oh yeah let me know when I can bring you that DVD. Big hugs.

  6. The hotness that decked out that cop uniform at Smoke Out need not worry about his hotness. WOOF pal!

  7. Firstly, you are a better man than me by even going to the gym regularly.
    Secondly, don’t feel so bad about a putting your foot in your mouth, I’ve done it enough to have swallowed Imelda Marcos’s whole closet in my time and am still alive to tell about it.
    Thirdly, if your hot geek bear ass was not in LA and my skinny geek otter ass was in not SJ, we would have dated at least once. Probably twice. Very likely three times. So there!

  8. Do you see how many of us are finding you hot hot hot!

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