So today as I was walking back to my car after my workout, I thought to myself “Wow, in less than 10 minutes flat, I’ve managed to make an ass of myself in front of the only two gay men that work out at Gold’s in North Hollywood! And all in only 10 minutes!!. Isn’t that neat? :-) supercool!!!”
You see, there’s this man I’ve been in crush over for 2 years now whom i’ve never had the courage to actually..you know…TALK to. Well anyway, today, after surrepetitiously watching his perfectness as he went about his workout, I “happened” to go into the locker room as he was changing back into his street clothes. We’d both tacitly confirmed each other’s ‘mo status long ago as one time I was talking to my friend Gene, who briefly worked out there, and mr. Dreamy came up to talk to Gene about some homo matter like the Folsom Street Fair or something, and I made a pithy remark about cockrings and harnesses or whatnot, so it was… you know…established.
Anyway, I screwed up my courage, and as we were both at our lockers, I intended to say something erudite such as “Well it seems we have a victory at last today, what with the supreme court ruling and all allowing us our due rights and freedoms bla bla bla.” What actually blurted out of my dyskexic mouth was something uberdumb like “Well I think this going to be great for us all now we can be married. …. to guys and all”
s i l e n c e
Finally, 100,000 years later, he quietly said, politely, as if addressing a dangerous crackwhore on a street corner “Well let’s just hope it doesn’t get overturned. I’m afraid it will” Not content with only one foot in my gob, I had to pitch in and shove the other one in, just to keep them both company.”Well I think it’ll go through all right, because Schwartzenegger won’t back the protest” I incredulously heard my voice saying whilst thinking to myself “what the FUCK? That’s utter phony bullshit” I then went into this weird, totally incoherent blab about the voters unconstitutional ENDA law and the supreme court finding it unconstitutional and there not being anything to overturn because this is their first ruling and what the fuck am I saying? I felt that I was being totally incomprehesible. He smiled and said ( sweetly, I thought ) “That’s totally incomprehensible” That gave me sufficient impetus to rush my ass out of there before I could do any more harm, like vomit on him or something.. I said “Good night” and he said “don’t rush off and get married, now”
What I did do was rush right into the smiling, godlike, Brad Pitt lookalike face of infatuation man # 1, whom I’ve been desperately in lust with since before Lindsay Lohan snorted her first line. He smiled conspiritorially at me and gestured for me to come over. He nodded in the direction of this hot little straight cub and said ‘Isnt he hot, man” I’m gunning for him” I said “Has he given you the look yet?” Mr Pitt said “Not yet, but he’s prey that I intend to catch before I’m done tonight” I thought “man, he only thinks of me as Thelma Ritter, as an old frumpy confidant that he can impress with his prowess. I’m sexless, and therefore neutral and safe to him. I wanted to go grab the hot cub he was hunting and say” goddamn you APPRECIATE THIS!!!! But what I did do was act stupid and “nice”, which is to say phoney, beacause I always don this phoney, nice, affable harmless persona. I said ” oh you’ll get him, you’re too handsome to fail.”
I’m a moron.
Just then, to punctuate my foolish awkwardness, I dropped my gym bag all over the place and wordlessly gathered it all up, as he watched, and I left the building.
God, If I didn’t have to be me, I’d never have anything to do with me.