ASSISTACE NEEDED

I was bored at work today, soI decided to take up one of those marvelous million dollar offers from one of those nice South African banks.
I can’t wait to get my millions!!!! Happy days!!!
Read his slightly edited letter, then read my gracious and enthusiastic response.
FROM, THE DESK OF DR AHMED ISSA

BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
BANK OF AFRICA,
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.

Greetings! For this letter is strictly
personal, intimate and confidential. Forgive this unusual manner of contacting you, but this
particular letter is of exceptional and very private nature.
There is no way for me to know
whether I will be properly understood, but it is my duty to write and reach out to you. For I know
that you are the only one that can be trusted to handle this project effectively without making us
regret.
I am the manager bill and exchange of the foreign remittance department, Bank of
Africa, I am trusting this transaction to you, that you will handle it with sincerity and without
any problems. In my department file, I discovered an abandoned sum of US $15.6m(Fifteen  million,
six hundred thousand US Dollars) in an account, belonging to one of our bank’s foreign customer
who died along with his family in October 31, 1999 in a plane crash.
Since I got information
about his death, I have done a lot of investigations and verifications to confirm if anyone such
as a next of kin or relative of the deceased has called to claim the inheritance fund.
These
is because, the bank cannot release it to anyone, unless somebody applies for the fund as next of
kin or business partner to the deceased as it is indicated in our banking laws and guidelines Bla bla blais therefore upon
this discovery that I have decided to make this Business proposal to you as a foreigner, for you
to assist and stand as the next of kin (business partner), to the deceased person and subsequent
disbursement will be made into your designated account, since nobody is coming to claim the
inheritance fund and this money must not go into the bank’s treasury as unclaimed bill, bla bla bla,
 such fund will be automatically
transferred and deposited in the bank’s treasury as Unclaimed fund.
The request of a
foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that, It is more convincing
when a foreigner stands in.
 Bla bla bla  -EDIT –
 I will send to you by fax or e-mail a suitable text of the
application letter. I will not also, fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch
free and you do not need to entertain any fear as all possible loop-holes from where there might
be a problem, has been taken care of, I believe, by the Merciful Grace of God.
You should contact me immediately you receive my letter through my telephone or e-mail.
Waiting on  your assistance.
Yours faithfully,
 
Dr.Ahmed Issa
And HERE, dear readers, Is my response to the esteemed and most honorable  Dr. Issa:

From:

Add sender to Contacts

My Dear Dr.Issa,
How kind of you indeed to consider me for this important (and lucrative!) task!
I must tell you, Sir, that your selection of me must indeed be quite prescient, as you will no doubt agree. I am, as you may already know, a lifelong devoted (and always hungry! lol!) cannibal.
I consulted with my diary, and on October 31 1999 I did indeed capture and subsequently eat several plane crash victims who were stranded in my jungle area. Your bank depositor was most likely among the ingested, as he identified himself, and your name was mentioned as well. Good fortune, no?
I am most anxious to meet with you very soon to discuss the particulars of our transaction. Would you please join me soon for lunch? Please email me your address information and I will send one of my acolytes to collect you. Unfortunately I cannot come to you,as my dietary habits render me somewhat of an outlaw. My jungle home is secret, so you must agree to be bound and blindfolded. I regret this most intractible demand.
Yours in great anticipation
Dr.Hans Zarkoff

 

7 responses to “ASSISTACE NEEDED

  1. How wonderful. So much better than the reply I come up with, which is something along the line of “Never send another GD email to me again you MF terrorist.”
    I get them overnight and read them before coffee so I am just not as clever as you. Mind if I borrow it?

  2. I like your style, Jennifer. You can borrow whatever you like!

  3. I don’t know who you are. I don’t care. I have read several of your comments on Joe.My.God. and have commited myself (as many have suggested, though in a different context) to read your blog. As some of my relatives here in Texas say, “that boy is just too clever for the room”. I’m still trying to figure out just what “room” that is, but make some for me, if you will.

  4. OK. I have looked around your site. I still think you are “too clever for the room”. Mighty funny and smart.

    Um…so you like “Star Trek”? My uncle was on that show. I never really watched it, so I don’t know his character’s name.

  5. That was awesome! I can’t wait ’til I think to do that…

  6. hey AM,
    In my case, that’s probably a padded cell. Thanks for making my day, and it’s only 6am, too. I guess this means that I should write more on my own blog. It’s so easy to post on JMG,MUCH easier than composing my own stuff. But now you’ve inspired me to rise to the occasion,like Mencken, like Beirce, like Walt Whitman. So I will.
    later.

    Really.

    -Rich

  7. I usually just delete such dreck, though I am amazed that someone thinks that the rest of the world hasn’t heard of this scam yet and thinks it might actually work.

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