gymporn in the morning

So now that I have 16 hours a day of spare time, I’ve discovered the following:

#1. There’s still not enough time to get things done. (See last item in #4)

#2. Naps are the new daily necessity.

#3 There are a lot of children in LA who DO NOT attend school.

#4 Without the PAID downtime at work, when I have to be in front of a computer, I find myself online much MUCH less. I’m getting a bit detached from the online world, and my political website lurking is suffering tremendously. Maybe that’s why my mood has been so chipper, lately. Conversly, my online porn collection has exploded. 

#5 The gym in the late morning/early afternoon hours is HOT HOT HOT HOT!!!

As you may or may not know, Here in the San Fernando Valley, It’s ground zero for the US pornographic industry, and my gym in the Sherman Oaks Galleria is a focus point for them all. And they all seem to have the mornings free for workouts. Along with all of the between-jobs stuntmen, actors and crewmen. Lord almighty, it’s a distraction. One of the benefits is that I’m definitely spending more time in the gym. That Matthew Rush is a dog with Pat Benatar lips, but his boyfriend is God incarnate. I’ll miss this place when I move up north next week.   


Shoes, interrupted

Encino, California 1:45pm 3/6/09

It was my last emotional day of work, and I was stepping outside to smoke. There’ s a film crew and actors standing around in really incongruous flashy, New Yorky business clothes. I light up, in my usual, everyday spot. The director yells CUT!!! CUUUUUUUT! The first A.D. says to me, in a most assholish, condescending tone “Hey Sir? Can I invite you to have your smoke over there (indicates the bushes) so as you don’t show up in my Movie please?”

“Doesn’t look like much of a movie to me” I say. After all, I’m now unemployed, and therefore care about nothing in this town, least of all some dumbshit nobody hollywood self stuck-on moron.

The rent-a cop on his cycle snaps his helmeted head in my direction. I back down, grumbling into my Marlboro.Ends up that it was just some dumb commercial for Brooks shoes that I’ll probably see some bored out of my skull afternoon six weeks from my last unemployment check just as I’m about to open a vein.


I’m finally leaving this dumb town forever and I can’t keep out of the picture business.



From here to Eternity…


Well, it’s happened to me.

 I am now officially a statisic of this horrible recession.

I was told on Thursday last that Friday would be my last day. Three people were laid off, and everyone else took 30% pay cuts and must pay for half of their own healthcare insurance – about $75.00 per check.

My employer was terribly sorry to be unable to give me a severance of any kind.


My employer was terribly sorry to be unable to give me a severance of any kind.


 unable     to      give     me     a       severance      OF     ANY   KIND.

Friday was among the most devastating emotionally of my career.I will miss those people terribly. I worked alongside them all for almost 8 years. We were family. I still get shaky when I think that I most likely will never see most of them again. You see, I have no choice but to return, in the next three weeks, back home to San Jose.

San Jose. To live with my parents. I have not lived “at home” since Ronald Reagan was running for re-election. But the choices I have are as follows: Stay here in LA and take the $450.00 per week unemployement and lose my apartment, move in with a roommate, barely scrape by, if at all, and screw up my perfect credit rating.  I can’t deal with the idea of this great unknown economic situation living so precariously. Living at home, for what is inevitably going to be a very, VERY long unemployment will position me better later after conditions change. I will have pereserved my credit rating, paid down debt, and saved for an eventual move.   It helps greatly that they live in a 4000 sq foot house. We won’t be living on top of each other.  But if you’ve read my blog, you know it’s going to be bumpy. I’m a professional and will treat them professionally. I have to. It’s my job for survival. At least for a few months. I’ll be away a lot anyway. It’ll work out. It has to. They are looking very much forward to my coming home, and they are going to enjoy the kitties (and vice versa). Also, it will be great to be closer to my Brothers and Sisters, who I’ve missed so much these past nine years.

It’s going to be a long, strange trip. I can’t describe how weird it is to me to be looking down a long period of unemployement. I’ve been working steadily, year in, year out since I graduated High School in 1982. 1982!!…until now…consistent full time work, with no more than 2 weeks off at a time.

And now…..








Free time.


god help me.

Now go back to the top and read the first three questions of the unemployment questionnaire.

I answered all three questions thusly:

#1 – NO,  I have not worked in any State other than Cali in the last 18 months. So far so good.

#2 – No, I have not filed for unemployment, in Cali or anywhere in the last 12 months.

and finally..

#3 YES, my employer (well…former employer) gave me an unempolyment form.

This answer caused it to default, and it instructed me to call the unemployment office for special handling. Problem is, in a catch-22 way, there is no way from now till republicans gain analytical thinking abilities to ever get through to the office.Never.Ain’t gonna happen.The recording on the 800 number says so.

 “There are too many holding calls to take your call today or ever again so please use the online claim form goodbye click.”

So what the fuck do you do if the online form tells you to call the office and the office robophone tells you to fuck off and use the online form?

You pull your hair out (or beard, as the case may be), curse the government, and google for help. Turns out, after a little searching and much aggravation, that I found a nice social worker in Pacoima who told me that question #3 is a huge bottleneck because what it doesn’t say is that it’s only concerned if a railroad employee or construction worker got the unemployment slip. Evidently, that somehow produces a condition which is seven diffferent  kinds of fucked up and requires the assitance of a moron who will be too busy to help you till August 31st, 2629.

For everyone else on the planet, the answer should be “NO” …but who would get that? Is it JUST ME? AM *I* THE CRAZY ONE???

…Or is this just another example of Catch – 22 government at its best?

Lordy, I can’t wait for more.

Rain Rain

People in Southern California are fucking losers.

It started to lightly rain here this afternoon and immediately, you’d think that hurricane Satan had slammed his level 6 ass right into the LA basin. People here in Encino were in a cold panic, running all over the place to get to their convertible Saabs to frantically raise the roofs.  Office people ran to the windows to watch the spectacle of water falling, falling! from the sky. Other people wailed into their blue teeth about the freezing 65 degree weather and the unthinkable prospect that it might rain this weekend all over their Malibu tennis game.  Asshattery.

On the TV this morning, Channel 4 actually had a “STORM WATCH 2009″ edition in progress, with reporters stationed in Santa Barbara to monitor the “storm’s” landfall. There were frightened residents interviewed, who mused on-air about what might happen to the world if all of the ground actually gets wet, as it is rumored to be possible.

Lord, only in SOCAL.


So on Saturday night, A group of guys came over to watch “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” on my big screen projector. It was an Academy screener DVD, and it looked and sounded amazing. Which is logical since they are depending those DVD’s being the medium which most Academy members see these Oscar contenders in.  The Little kitty was the hit of the evening. He’s such a happy cat now, very bright and outgoing and he shines in front of company. Dave M re-named him Smokey. So that might just stick. I still call him Little kitty. One of the guys who showed up-We’ll call him “Dave” since that’s his name- I’d met at the Eagle the night before and fell in instant lust.   I wanted to knock him out and drag him into my bedroom, but the appropriate moment just never materialized.

















I was sent this pic recently on facebook- it was taken 2 years ago at the base of Mount Shasta. I kinda like it. Chillin with my Ipod and my pipe. I remember it was freeezing like a mother. 

n778565646_5343910_9238Now this photo is just a little bit older. It was taken when I was a tour guide at the Winchester Mystery House, Circa 1981. It was also sent to me on facebook. I was performing a skit for the employee talent show. I was doing my Julia Child skit, ripped off from “Saturday Night Live” – I sliced my finger off and fake blood spurted all over everything. It was great.

It was also a million years ago.








That’s enough of that bullshit.

frozen balls,Ryan Seacrust, and other random gym stories

This was not a good morning to shower at the gym. Not good at all. There was a sign posted in the men’s locker room which read thusly:



Do you know how cold the water was this morning?  Fucking cold, that’s what.

Uh.. “We are working on it as we speak” ??  What the fuck does that mean? You’re not speaking, you’re writing. Whatever. I wonder if Magic Johnson had to take a cold shower. I’ll bet heads rolled over that one, I do.

There was a total freak at the gym last nght. I couldn’t stop watching him. Every few feet or so he’d stop whatever he was doing and perform a light little bounce step and shuffle. Even in the middle of a set, he’d stop himself, spring up and bounce and caper about a bit, then resume his set.

So much energy. So few brain cells.

I heard the greatest asshole celebrity story yesterday.  The__________ Airlines rep was in the office yesterday, and she was telling about a recent encounter with Miss Ryan Seacrest which occured last week.  My _________ Airline rep, ___________ is a feisty little thing, very dry sense of humor and very quick on her feet. It served her well last week when Ms Seacrest approached the _________ Airlines counter at LAX,  loudly demanding a first class upgrade on his coach class seat. Did the gentleman have a _________ Airlines frequent flyer number or upgrade status? No, he fumed. He did not.ryanseacrest-731977

Well, then did the gentleman wish to PURCHASE (like any other passenger) an upgrade to first class?

The bitch made a huge stink at that point,because he felt he deserved a FREE UPGRADE, just because he was himself a fabulous celebrity. So my very cool friend _______ was called up to deal with him.  She’s had experience with overstuffed delusional psuedo celebs and knew just how to handle him.

“Sir, unless you have accumulated frequent flyer miles, or applicable upgrade coupons,you are not eligible for a free upgrade. I’m awfully sorry.   At this point, Seacrest actually pointed to himself with both hands and shrieked “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?”  She replied, cool as ice, “Yes sir.  you are….(glances down at his eticket coupon) Misterrr….Ryan Seacrest.  Correct?  “Havent you ever heard of “American Idol”? he SPAT.  Smiling widely (she reinacted it for us), she said sweetly  “I’m not sure, isn’t it a Television show of some kind”?  He almost exploded “I’m going to talk to people about this, and you’ll be sorry!” he screamed, and stormed off.

God, I dream of being able to piss an asslebrity off like that. What a megadouch.

Freak show

So I’ve quit Gold’s gym in North Hollywood, as it was too damn worn down, the people were obnoxious, and it was too far to drive, gas mileagewise and trafficwise.  I’ve gone back to my old, celebrity- ridden gym at the Sherman Oaks Galleria. That’s the same gym where I had my Veronica Cartwright encounter.

24houfitness-flash1See? here it is


Here’s the 411 on the Galleria, according to wikipedia:

Some scenes in the movies Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Commando, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Valley Girl and Chopping Mall were filmed at the Galleria.

The “Galleria” is mentioned in the song “Valley Girl“. from the Frank Zappa album Ship Arriving Too Late to Save a Drowning Witch, as well as the eponymous “The Galleria” by Phantom Planet. It is also mentioned in the film “Clueless“.

The Galleria is also home to a 24-Hour Fitness franchise owned by Magic Johnson. This gym is frequented by José Canseco, Jay Mohr, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Alec Baldwin, Tera Patrick, Zac Efron, Vanessa Ann Hudgens, and Mariah Carey.

I’ve heard that Zach Quinto used to be a daily user before “Heroes” came along. 

I saw Steve Martin on Monday night at the outdoor restaurant near the movie theatre, and on Wednesday night, I saw Richard Hatch working out.

They’d better all stay out of my way.

Last night,  I saw the best freak of my life,  and believe me,  that’s no exaggeration. Now, remember I’m from the south of Market San Francisco scene, which means that their ain’t nothin I havent seen or heard. 

 I am J A D E D,  ok?

But all that I’ve seen in all my years  did not prepare me for what I saw at the Galleria last night.

I was descending on the escalator after my workout and coming up the other way was the most stunning, tall, gorgeous, Angelina Jolie-esqe supermodel. She was dressed in an outfit which highlighted her perfect figure and big …tits.  She had a gorgeous face, amazing eyes, killer facial structure.

In a word, knockout.

Oh yeah..the amazing thing is, she had a full pornstar-esqe mustache, and a full goatee. It was a rich, full chestnut brown. To match her flowing hair.

Wish I’d taken a picture.  And I couldn’t help but stare.